As I’m lying here on my friends’ couch tonight, I’ve realized three things:
- I can faintly smell marijuana slowly coming in and out of my nose.
- I’m incredibly lonely.
- I haven’t been happy with myself in a very long time.
Luckily, I think I can explain all three.
- I think I’m high more than I eat or sleep now. It’s so much easier to feel… out of this world, I guess. When you’re surrounded by something, you just tend to steer closer to it, and then it gets to the point where you’re out of control. I don’t drink much, and I’ve cut down on cigarettes… But of all things, I can’t give up marijuana. This is (probably) becoming a bad thing.
- It’s been over a year and a half to where I’ve (officially) stopped talking to Garrett. But I have to be honest and say that my heart’s not officially over it. But will it ever actually be? He was my first “love,” after all. But even then since on, I’ve only crushed as hard for one guy, and let’s face it. He’s an asshole. I’m attracted to assholes, and hey, if you’re interested in someone else, that’s definitely a plus! My heart’s been so battered and beaten, I don’t know how it still beats, but it does. I don’t want a boy/girlfriend. I don’t want somebody to tell me that I’m beautiful all the time. I don’t want anybody to fall in love with me, I definitely don’t deserve that. I just want somebody to hold my hand and to tell me everything’s going to be okay.
- Now… I know it’s not very “#staypositive” of me to even mention this one, but I don’t think I can name a truer fact. I’m indecisive. I don’t have a “future.” I’ve been called a bitch or a cynic more times than I’ve cared for recently. And let’s face it, I’m not attractive. I’ve always been a bit chubbier than I’ve wanted to, and after my dad died, I just let go. I was promised into the lies of movies like “Hairspray” and (lol, don’t judge) “High School Musical” where the message was always, “it’s who you are on the inside, not what you look like on the outside!” Well, if you’re ugly, that doesn’t make boys/girls fall in love with you. Believe me, I’ve played the nice and sweet card for too long. If you’re attractive, people will want you. You can stop being third-, fifth-, seventh-, even ninth-wheel. I guess this has been a pretty negative checkpoint, but all in all, I’m ready to be pretty. I’m ready to work at my chance of maybe falling in love again and to have people actually want me, whether it’s to date or to just hang out with. One of my goals for the past few years have been to be able to finally see my collarbones, and it will happen in the next few months, no matter what it takes.
So all in all, I’m a jealous, shallow pothead who always falls in love with the asshole who’s not into her. That’s probably more insight on me than you’ll ever get in your whole life.