It’s really crazy how much relationships can change within months, let alone years.
I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to losing friends. People give me strange looks, but I seriously lose so many even within months that I feel like it’s making me become more and more recluse.
And then it’s nights like this where I realize that it’s sort of all my fault.
I’m the first to admit that I have a commitment problem, whether it be with events, goals, or even people. I get so bored of monotony that I look for new things to get done and do and leaving my prior commitments without saying goodbye or “be right back.”
I always come back though. I really wish people would understand that. I don’t know myself, and I don’t like myself, and I don’t understand why people care, to be quite frank. I’m not looking for sympathy from anybody who could be reading this post, but I really don’t see it. There are always people more caring, more trustful, more beautiful, more talented than me, but people still choose to spend their company with me. Not that I’m not appreciative or anything, I really am. I still don’t know how I would be alive right now if I didn’t have those people in my life.
But going back to my original point, people leave, including myself, and it sucks.
People think it’s so freaking awesome that I get along with so many people and that I have so many social circles, but really, I feel alone more than anything. It’s not easy making so many groups of friends happy, and so it makes me disappoint them all and disappoint myself in the cause.
I don’t know balance. I don’t know how to prioritize. I was taught to use people for what they can give you, rather than who they are, and now that I think about it, even though I grew up in a very Catholic household, my childhood didn’t have God in it at all. To be raised to use people rather than to love people, though may seem helpful for one’s future, is actually pretty pathetic, and it continues to make me wonder why I still have friends haha.
But I’m not saying that I don’t love my friends. I do. When I can, I tend to love to spoil the shit and do whatever I can for them. I just haven’t been able to for the past couple of years. They treat me better than my family, though I know my mom would beg to differ.
I just can’t focus right now. I know what I want to say, I just can’t piece it right in a text box. My mind and my words don’t match up.
I guess what I started out trying to say is that it hurts when people just gradually stop talking to you, or even tell you that you’re no longer a friend to them, and then you log onto Facebook and see that they’re living such a better life without you in it, and though if you were to think positively, then you could think that they’re obviously not meant to be in your life for extra chapters and that you deserve better, but of course you’re thinking negatively, so it must be God punking you, and the joke’s just not funny… (and that you, or I mean, I, I guess, should learn to stop writing in run-on sentences.) Also a normal person would delete the person off of Facebook, stop following them on Twitter, just delete them out of their life in general, but life just isn’t that easy, and I creep way too much and I make myself more miserable.
I wish that on nights like this where I had the absolute perfect day, I didn’t know that I just probably deserve to be alone.