This is in no way meaning to be a depressing post. It’s just self-discovery, at it’s finest. (…not really.)
Sometimes (like days like today), I think I’m going to be alone forever. I’ll still have my friends, family, maybe a dog in the future… I just can’t see myself settling down.
To be able to fall in love is to be vulnerable, and I just really don’t think I can do it: You have to be able to look silly. You have to be able to show somebody your heart. And worst of all, you have to be able to be okay with getting your heart shattered if worse comes to worse. I don’t think I can put myself through that much pain, quite honestly.
In the past four years, I’ve become the asshole, and I’ve used it as a huge defense mechanism. Guys have become a major confidence booster to me, and though I’m usually really guilty, I’ve grown to like it.
I don’t think I’m pretty, funny, or at all interesting. But for some reason, guys (and girls) are still interested. I don’t get it.
Anyway, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s easier to be the one that hurts people rather than the victim. It gives me that upper advantage, and it doesn’t allow me to get hurt. I get to run away first. I get to attain the attraction I want. I get to be Miss Penny Lane.
Lately though, I can say that I’m actually sort of interested in somebody, but it’s not worth it. He isn’t interested the same way, and I’m not willing to get hurt again. He’s still the sweetest, most adorable boy of my life currently, but I don’t know how to let go like I’ve let go of somebody else.
I want to eventually find my soulmate, get married, and live happily ever after though. I want to be able to use words like “smitten” and “adoration.” I want to be no longer afraid of breaking my heart into a million pieces. I want to be with the person that wants me till death do us part. I want him to help glorify my love with God and just love me for the way I am… But Idk if that’s ever going to happen.
I don’t even know what to say anymore. My confusing thoughts are definitely going to be the reason why I’ll never be with anybody else for longer than two weeks, haha. My life.