(Matthew 6:33, ESV)
These past few weeks have been pretty hard.
Lianna and Caleb’s wedding has come and go, and so has Nathan and Shelly’s, and I’m pretty sure, like every single young adult’s mind that’s sitting through a wedding, the horrendous question, “When am I ever going to find anybody?” popped up. I really hate that question.
That question makes more questions pop into my head. Questions of doubt, of self-hatred, of discontentment. Things that as a follower of Christ, I should not focus on.
Questions, such as,
- “Am I too unattractive for people to find interest in me?”
- “What is wrong with me?”
- “When is it going to be my turn?”
But I am human. Though not suggested, these thoughts are allowed to go through my head. I’m allowed to sit in the corner of my bed in the fetal position, crying about possibly being forever alone for the rest of my life. I’m allowed to be angry at anybody and everybody who comes up to me asking me, “What’s wrong?” I’m allowed to doubt my Father as I try to state lies when His book so obviously states the opposite.
So anyway, I sat at the wedding at the DJ table, definitely not wanting to be there, and to my apologies, I didn’t hide it pretty well either. I was frustrated because all of these thoughts had rushed to my head, and also, because some people were frustrating me, because I feel as if they completely undermine my ability to do anything, and everything was late. Three things I dislike.
I spent a lot of that angry time realizing that my God had so much more for me in store.
See, every time I’ve asked God for something, whether it’s if I should be with a certain boy, or when He wants me to go to the UK for missions, or what I should do with my life, He only responds with one word, “Wait.”
I’ve sorta learned to hate that word. I’ve been through such an angry phase the past year or so, because of it. I just was (am) super selfish to a point where all that could run through my head was, “I am Your follower now. What else do you want?”
That is not what He wants though. He doesn’t want to hear us say, “What can I do for you?” He doesn’t even care about that.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10, ESV)
I think one of the things that would piss me off is the fact that He already knows what’s going to happen in our lives. It’s like having that friend that always says, “I know a secret you don’t know! Oh, you don’t know what it is? I can’t tell you!!! Hahahahah, ISN’T IT SO FUNNY?!” No, it’s so annoying. I just never understand why He couldn’t tell us. Why can’t He just tell us who we’re going to end up with? What kind of job we’re going to have? Is this thing that I’m thinking about doing even worth it?
Humans, ever since Adam and Eve, have this remarkable sense of curiosity, and it’s probably the hardest thing to get rid of.
It’s crazy though. He likes us just the way we are. Curiosity or not. And He’s here to nurture us the way He wants to. He is the ultimate nurturer. He doesn’t like to see us sad. I mean, unless you’re truly sadistic, I don’t think anybody likes to see anybody else actually sad, but He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to put our complete faith into Him, even if we can’t literally see Him. We can see the footprints He’s placed in our lives though. Though I still suffer from my sins, I can still see how He’s rescued me away from them. How He’s washed my sin away. How He’s truly taken care of me within the past couple of years. Honestly, if it weren’t for Him, I’d probably be drunk right now. And high. And probably hooking up with somebody. Not giving a care in the world. No self respect at all, none in the slightest.
I’m still learning to wait. Patience is definitely not my best virtue, but I don’t think it’s my least best either. And He definitely knows it. But He’s just waiting on the perfect moment. All I need to do is trust.
This God — his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. (Psalm 18:30, ESV)