Relapse.

re·lapse

[v. ri-laps; n. ri-laps, ree-laps]

verb (used without object)

1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.: to relapse into silence.
2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery.
3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide: to relapse into heresy.
noun

4.an act or instance of relapsing.
5. a return of a disease or illness after partial recovery from it.
Geez, what a scary word.
It’s really awesome/scary to see what God the little stops he puts in our lives.
Really awesome: I think/hope I made a difference. I want to see where he guides me. I want to firmly believe that I am His daughter and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, like what Brian said to me at McAllen. He took His time to carefully stitch us together, and He does not make ANY mistakes. The fact that He uses our past even when we didn’t think He was there to support our future always leaves me absolutely in awe. Every time I’m in need of anything… or even want of anything, He just does what He does (which is EVERYTHING). I can never even thank Him enough. For the support and accountability that You’ve put in my life, the people that I’ve been guided to talk to and to share YOUR testimony that you’ve given me, for this job, this home, just… everything.
Really scary: Oh, man, going to the hospital again was… not ideal. I mean, I relapsed. Every time I hear this word, I just of a recovering alcoholic scrimmaging his whole house for change to buy beer or like a former druggie giving back into heroin or whatever, not… somebody being so depressed that she sorta wanted to die again so she took a whole bunch of pills. I mean, I know that I’ve said that I want to go where He takes me and He will guide me there no matter what, but what if I had actually died? What if that was something He wanted for me? I don’t know if I’m ready to die yet.
I don’t know. AHHH I DON’T KNOW. [mini freak out sesh.]
Faith. That’s what I need. Faith.
“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” – Hebrews 11:6, ESV
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