This has been a hard past couple of weeks. Or month. Or maybe even year. It’s times like this where I don’t really know what to do. Or say. Or think. I’ve let my emotions manipulate the rest of my life, and I don’t like it.
I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon.
It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon.
I’ve got my words.
I won’t give them mercy, mercy!
“Fighting for Nothing” – Meg & Dia
I was about to post these lyrics last week. Rereading them has confirmed to me how unstable I’ve been, and how this. is. not. me. I’ve been rude. I’ve been recluse. I’ve gone back to alcohol and cigarettes to stop eating and to forget about life. I’ve rejected people, and life, and ideas around me, and I’d like to use the excuse that it was to not hurt people around me, but that’s a lie.
I’m a very selfish, stubborn, prideful person, and I like to put my guard up and push people away. I have a tendency to trying to hurt people before I get hurt myself. I play with other people’s emotions to see what makes them react, and I always try to act as if my life is perfect. I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember, even before Daddy.
What’s the worst is that he’s been my excuse. He’s been “the reason” I am the way I am, but it’s all a lie. It’s all an excuse, and I don’t think that it’s fair to blame it all on a dead guy. I was like this before this happened, and he deserves to be thought of better than the man who raped me, manipulated me, left me, but most of all, loved me. He was not an entirely bad guy. He had his faults as we all did, and he was human as we all are, yet he was put to the bottom of the totem pole in my head, because I let all of his faults define who he was. That’s not too fair, is it?
As a Christian, I am commanded to love and I am commanded to forgive. …I have not done any of this, and for that, I should repent… or step back.
As a small PSA, I just want to let everybody know that I’m going to be doing some soul searching. I might be invisible for awhile. I might ignore communication for a bit. Please do not be offended or worried. Despite required things such as Thirst and school, I’ll be back in reality soon enough.
I just don’t really deserve community right now.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV)
Also, I am so sick of forever crying.