My thoughts lately have been scary. I can’t get the thought of injury out of my head.
Last Thursday I went to the Rangers game (a 1:05pm game!) with only an orange and a small amount of coffee in my body, and it was a four hour game. A FOUR HOUR GAME IN 95 degree weather. It was ridiculous. I was so light-headed. I kept on imagining what it’d be like if I were to just fall down the escalator… or off the balcony.
Yesterday was maybe a little less morbid. Or moreso, depending on your stance. For some reason my car’s electrical wiring is being weird. The dashboard lights (or the radio light, but that’s irrelevant…) won’t come on. Which means I can’t see my gas gauge. Or my spedometer. Last night’s imagination steered towards running out of gas, or getting a ticket, or crashing into a curb, or just straight up running into somebody else.
It’s been weird. I don’t want to kill myself. But I haven’t been happy. Is it horrible to think that the easy way out would be if some weird freak accident happened to you anyway? (The answer is yes…) I don’t really know what to think about anything anymore.
I’ve grown to not like any aspect of myself, even though I know for a fact that God has created us to be who he wanted us to be. But why did he create me with how I look? and how I feel? and how I speak? and how I think? I don’t get it.
I’ve thought a lot about my life in the past couple of days. About what I’ve done. About what I want to do. About what I am doing. And I don’t like any of it.
Right now, I’m in Thirst, and I’m still debating back and forth on if I should drop. I really don’t feel as if I’m… pushing it towards the right direction, and what’s horrible is that it’s in the opposite of the way that Spike feels, ha. He feels as if he’s already in doing everything that the program is teaching us, which is cool or whatever which I feel as if his way of thinking in it is pushing it backwards, but I feel as if I’m pushing it backwards, because I’m not healthy right now. My heart and my brain aren’t in a right place, and how can I be discipling (apparently not a word…) people and helping them with their lives and guiding them to Jesus if I can barely do it myself?
I AM SO INADEQUATE.
Last night at volleyball, I felt it the most. I am so bad at volleyball, oh my God. And I thought I was getting better, but no. I’m not. I kept on feeling the condescending eyes boring holes into my skin. I was so sick of the “WHY AREN’T YOU ACTUALLY PLAYING?” when I really was. I sucked so badly. It’s embarrassing.
I’m sick of embarrassing myself. I’m sick of showing people my flaws. I understand that we all have them, but I hate looking weak. It’s like wearing a mesh t-shirt and leopard tights everywhere you go (sorry if you actually do this…?). It’s flamboyant and people stare at you all the time.
I don’t know. Sorry this is cluttered. And negative. And things. And honest?