Blogging from the Hot Tub.

First of all, going to the gym — AS A YOUNG 20SOMETHING YEAR OLD FEMALE — by yourself at 4AM is kinda creepy. Please remind me of that the next time I get a grand idea like this.

Well, I just wanna state that the first thing that played on Songza on “The World of John Mayer” playlist I’m listening to when I got in the hot tub is “Fix You” by Coldplay. Fuck, are you trying to get all of my emotions out tonight?

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

Yeah. It’s one of the nights where I feel like I’m the worst friend ever. When I’m being told that I’m not the most dependable person. When I just feel like I suck. I’m selfish. I’m not careful. I’m just all around horrible. I don’t understand what I did to receive the friends that I have, but I’m thankful. Really.

(The jets in the hot tub just turned off, and a nice old man just turned them back on for me without me asking. What a sweet person.)

I’m tired of everything that’s happened in the past 168 hours. I’m tired of my heart continuously breaking and/or being callous every second because of boys. I’m tired of thinking about Loren & Brad’s departure and Steve’s arrival. I’m tired of trying to figure out when my depression is gonna end. I’m tired of everything. Everything. If I could just hide in my room for the NEXT 168 hours right now, that would be swell.

I just want to be happy. And caring. And loving. And just… I don’t know. This.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
(Philippians 4:8 ESV)


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