I Have a Problem.

I think.

I mean, I do.

I would say it all generalizes to having a commitment issue. I’m afraid of things screwing me over. I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid of reactions. I am not as fearless as I wish I was.

Sometimes I wonder if I unintentionally try to screw up my future on purpose. I don’t think that sentence makes sense, but like, I mean subconsciously messing it up. And for all of the reasons I mentioned before.

I think I messed up school, because I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy, but I’m not happy right now. So that screw up doesn’t make sense. I think I mess up in relationships, because I’m afraid of people leaving me first, but I’m lonely already. So that screw up doesn’t make sense either.

I’ve become an all-or-nothing kind of person, and if I can’t see how it works out for me right now or just failing in general, I won’t finish it.

I guess you can say that I don’t have motivation to overcome what I feel will turn out bad. And it’s true. I’m not denying it. 

I just get so confused.

I don’t find humans deserving of anything that happens to us, and that includes His grace, but we receive it anyway. I understand that the ultimate reason is because He loves us, and I DON’T GET IT. We are told repetitively that we don’t deserve His mercies and His grace, and that none of us are allowed to judge each other and that all of this, but at the same time, we were born “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That makes no sense. We are born with sin, so how does that make us wonderfully made?

I mean, His love is no joke. And I’m grateful that I’ve been blessed with it, but everything is so contradictory in my head. If we are not supposed to do by works, then why are we pushed to do our hardest and be the very best by “deserving it?” Wouldn’t that make you want to do absolutely nothing? 

My thoughts are starting to not make sense. 

All I can say is that it’s days likes these, when I sorta feel like giving up. I just don’t understand anything.


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