Then and Now.

My past few entries in my blog have been so negative, and I apologize. That is a side of me that I don’t like to portray, but I feel like I hadn’t had felt anything else for that portion of time.

This summer had been crazy. I started it off by being in the hospital for a suicidal attempt, pushing through an eight-week discipleship program, and being in summer classes for the second half of summer. And then, halfway through the summer classes (which were eventually dropped), I realized my choices for the summer weren’t that great.

I had been exhausted from the months from May 2012 – August 2013. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Yet I did what I always do, and I took on way more than I could handle. I don’t regret doing Thirst or taking classes, but I regret doing them together. I regret being in a mindset this combination would be like whenever I used to do both work and school, because Thirst and The Cornerstone is definitely not as mindless as work used to be. This past summer, I had to cry out to my Lord every single second, because I felt weak. And hopeless. And stupid. And while I was asking for Him to come into my life, I was not showing the compassion and love to others as He gives me every single day.

I was apathetic and mean this summer. Sarcastic and unloving. Frustrating and frustrated. I took the easy way out and while acting like everything was great (or more so, not as bad as they really were), I continued to try to run away from all of my problems and hurts. But I failed. I ended up just getting more and more depressed as the days continued to a point where it was hard to be around people and to get out of bed.

It’s now October 2013, and I’m feeling fantastic. God has done so many great things in my life that I never could imagine possible, and I’m happier than I’ve been in so long. I’m currently working part time at the Columbia Sportswear Outlet in Grand Prairie and an active outreach intern at The Cornerstone. Being in classes for nine hours a week (and add in an extra three starting October 21st… not nervous at all, you know.) plus the two jobs AND four days of straight studying in a week make for a super busy schedule, but I like it. I’m a bit scared that I’m going to start getting overwhelmed soon (…or already), but it’s good. I’m excited because my associates of arts degree will finally be happening in May (and along with that, no more science classes, huzzah!), and we’ll see where the Lord takes me with the UK next year. I’ve done 2/5ths of my application with the Pais Project, and I’m going to start looking into Fellowship Church and all that soon, so let’s pray a lot for this.

What’s frustrating, but also sorta cool to me is knowing the tricks the Enemy likes to play as my relationship with Jesus gets closer and closer. One of the biggest ways He always gets to me is through my friends and my thought pattern. Thoughts that my friends don’t care and that they’d rather be with other people and are just “pitying” me come from so many deep hurts and securities, but they’re thoughts that run through my head often. It’s so… frustrating. I don’t like it. But they are stuff that my heart is working through, so I’m excited to see the finished project (hopefully soon.) Prayer for that would be swell also.

I’m glad my body gets tired at 2:30 now, and with that being said, I bid these blog post adieu. Expect a better one about World Mandate coming soon. 🙂


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