In All Fairness…

Got drunk for the first time in who-knows-when last week. And I think the only thing I regret is how honest I was with whoever was around me that night.
With being vulnerable. With the announcement of how lonely I was. That I let my guard down for the night.

I literally sat there, crying out to four of my “closest” friends about how unwell I’m doing and how exhausted I am. About how I hated that my friendship with them was constantly changing and how much I despised it. About my heart and how I felt about everything. And they told me that they understood and that things would be okay.

But the worst part happened the next day: …everything went back to normal.

I wish I could say that I wasn’t expecting for my friends to have this great big epiphany and would try to get closer, but that would be a lie.

I was being honest for once, and nothing good came out of it. Besides them thinking that I was a whiny bitch that night. And just overall, super emotional.

It just makes me wonder. Why do I care about others? Why can’t I just get what I attempt to give out in return? Why does this have to be so ridiculously hard?

And to top it off, getting told in the past couple of months by multiple people the phrase “I tried to get close to you, but it was evident you didn’t care or want me to” has broken me so much.

I feel like I am always running after others, trying to make people feel comfortable, trying to make myself seem friendly, but I’m obviously not, and like I’ve said earlier in this post, I’m so exhausted.

With three midterms, two quizzes, seven assignments, two jobs, and a camping trip to plan for within the next few days, I have no idea how I’m still surviving. I just want to hide away for the rest of the month and not deal with anybody.

That’d be so nice.

Ps. Also, I’m super tired of always hearing about how other girls are the prettiest girls ever (from guys and girls alike) or even hearing about how so many other people are more solid than me. I have way too many insecurities right now. I just want to be found attractive in some way, whether it’s through beauty, knowledge, kindness, my talents, or love for the Above…. but alas, that hasn’t happened genuinely years, so I guess I give up.


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