He loved me to the end.

This is not me saying that the Lord hasn’t blessed me. Because He has.

This is not me saying that I’m not thankful. Because I am.

These past four months or so have been pretty bittersweet (more sweet than bitter…) and I cannot thank the Lord enough in all of the ways He’s places me and blessed me with.

When I declared back in September that I would follow Him wherever He wanted me to go, I know that He did not take that promise lightly. I’ve pushed myself harder and farther than I ever have these past four months, and it’s all because He told me to. And I don’t regret it.

But with all of my plans with the hopeful mother country, I can’t help but to feel that I’m no longer content here. No longer placed; no longer really meant to be here.

In all of my preparations, though my community times look excellent, I’ve limited myself on what is my social life. On how I may present myself. I would say that I would hide myself from all of the important stuff, but pretty much everything that I haven’t cut out yet has been the “important stuff.”

I just want to leave already. Obviously I know it’s all timing and obviously there’s a chance that I may not even get in… but this waiting feeling. This waiting feeling, as I know He has placed me in, burns after awhile.

He knows where my fears and my hesitations are, and He pushes those away when I believe in Him, but I still can’t help but to question the big picture and my love.

Like why am I such a social person if I can’t maintain friendships? (I hate that I can’t say relationships, because that gets misconstrued for me thinking romantically, when the majority of the time, I’m speaking platonically.)

Personality questions frustrate me, because the Lord has created us with how He sees as beautiful, even though it contains attributes that humans see as flaws… But they’re not flaws?

Moments like these though I feel ungrateful, though that’s not entirely the case… or I don’t want that to be entirely the case.

If I continue trekking, I’ll be alright, right?


2 thoughts on “He loved me to the end.

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