I can’t even begin to describe how emotional I am right now.
I’ve attempted to sleep for the past three hours, and I just can’t. I’m too excited, anxious, nervous, saddened by everything that’s going on today to let my brain rest for a few hours for some sleep. I don’t know much about what the week, or even year, is going to exactly look like, but I’m attempting to put my full trust in God and His wonderful ways, because He definitely already knows.
It took almost everything I had in me to not break down at church yesterday. Being pulled in so many different directions to say goodbye to people is probably one of the most horrible feelings I’ve felt lately. I mean, yes, it’s great to be prayed for and all, and that’s exactly what I need, but at the same time, everything is just overwhelming and spontaneous and that is exactly how my heart doesn’t work. I like plans. I like detail. I like knowing what’s going on. I know that it truly doesn’t matter what I know, but it still keeps me sane and my anxiety levels low. And today’s going to be the worst. I’ve said goodbye to so many people already. And it’s hurt. But today I have to say goodbye to all of my best friends. idontwanttodothatyet.
But I must be a grown-up, haha. And grown-ups have to do things all the time that they want to do. The past week has been me pounding into my head that this trip isn’t about or for me at all. It’s all definitely for Jesus. I mean, I’m going to grow in these next eleven months, and I may even have a new place to call home, but ultimately, ev-er-y-thing is about Him, and I must remember that. Just thinking about how Caleb Beacham spoke at church today about how we always try to justify our sins and the things that we do, and I truly believe that our prideful thoughts are still sins. Like Steve said once, to be excellent, we must be able to control our thoughts. Currently, I’m pulling an Eve right now, just being childish and curious and just honestly, selfish, but fast forward how many ever years, Jesus, the perfect man, died on the cross for our sins and thoughts and all these bad things (when He didn’t have to!!!), and we pay Him back by continuously being selfish, even when we’re trying to serve Him. Pride is a huge sin issue.
As I’m sitting here, staring at the clock, trying to understand the fact that my plane is departing in seven hours and I still have so much to do, I’m just thinking about my last three and a half(ish) years at the Cornerstone. It’s absolutely insane to think about when I first stepped in, NOT as a Christian, to where I am now. The fact that people trust in me. The fact that people love me. The fact that I have given up my life to Him, and that‘s one of the best feelings in the world. Though these past few years have been insanely hard, it’s so great to finally understand the difference between joy and happiness. We touched on that this morning at the twentysomethings meeting. That humans strive so much towards happiness that we forget that our great, sovereign ruler has given us joy, even through the hard times! I mean, when we die, we get to go to the most perfect place and hang out with the most perfect dude, and we forget that, because we focus on our earthly treasures. It’s an absolute shame. I can honestly say that even though I struggle with my depression and anxieties and some unforgiveness in my heart still, I have this overwhelming joy in my heart that the Lord has placed there.
Now I’m just rambling… Basically, God is good, anxieties are bad, and I leave for England today!