I have this fear. Yes, most people know about my fear of birds. Yes, I’m afraid of a lot of things. But this one is bigger. Possibly, my biggest. So big that I’ve mentioned it in previous posts.
…I absolutely hate letting people down.
I know that letting people down is inevitable. It happens. And it happens a lot. We can’t impress everybody around us, and I honestly think that the more we are able to impress people, the more they expect out of us, and the end result is that we fail them, because we can’t catch up.
Right now, I’m in a specific predicament. One that may not be important in the future, probably won’t even be important in a few weeks from now… But it’s been badgering me in my mind for the past couple of days.
If you look at my end table right now, you’ll see a bottle of chewable Vitamin-C tablets, an almost-finished bag of Ricola cough drops, a box of maximum-strength cold and flu relief capsules, a package of Kleenex, and a liter-sized water bottle filled with water mixed with some Emergen-C. Oh, and some chocolate digestive biscuits, a lamp, and tweezers, but that’s besides the point. If you look at all of these items, you’ll understand that there can only really be one conclusion: I am so incredibly sick right now.
I’ve been sick since Saturday, and after taking today off for being sick and laying on my bed, whether sleeping or watching Suits, all day, I still feel sick. Like, what is this?
In all honesty, I should be taking tomorrow off also. I should continuously be resting and making sure that I’m completely better, so by hopefully Wednesday, I can come in and just be healthy and productive and wonderful and I’ll actually be able to get work done. But if I go in tomorrow, I won’t let anybody down. I won’t have to call in to David, James, or Tony and have them think that I’m inconsistent or unreliable, because I can’t make it in tomorrow for work or home group. I won’t miss out on anymore decision making, on top of what was made today. But what if that somehow makes me more sick than what I’m feeling right now?
I’ve realized today that I’m so afraid of letting people down that I forget to take care of myself. As, let’s say, an ear, yes, it’s bad if the ear is cut off from the body, but is it much better if the ear has an infection? Filled with fungi and possible hearing loss, I will not be productive. I am not taking care of the rest of the body, if I’m not taking care of myself.
I’m in an everyday struggle with whether I should put myself first or put others first, and it stresses me out. I’m learning balance in my life, but within learning, I’m struggling along the way. I don’t think I’ve been trusting in God enough, and that is something that I need to work on. I think only God knows what true balance of everything feels like, and I want to learn it also.
I’m about to go to bed (again…), but I can’t help but just lay here in bed and cry, because I’m so fearful of people’s opinions of me, and that’s the worst, because I really shouldn’t even be. I should sleep and rest tomorrow, but I don’t want people to think that I’m not meant to be out here or meant to be on their team, in their church, etc. I want to appear strong and powerful. I don’t want to go in tomorrow and have somebody tell me I look ill, like they did Sunday…
I hate being sick.