Do you know what my favourite thing about Jesus is?
The fact that He makes all things new (and better.)
So today has been a disaster. Actually, no, scratch that… This week has been a disaster. My mental danger zones were hit. I had to do my least favourite activity multiple times (telling people off). I’m currently ill with an infection, among other things. I have had to take some days off of work. I’ve been in and out of walk-in clinics. I have spent way too much money on medicine and toiletries this week. Basically, this week has sucked.
I have whined. I have cried. I have hiddened underneath my covers with the curtains closed in my dark room at 2pm. I have questioned my purpose (in life and in England). I have shut down. Basically, I have wanted to die this week.
But in the midst of this rubbish week, God
said, no, whispered to me, “No. Stop that. I don’t want that for you. I want you to remember joy. I want you to remember peace. I want you to remember Me.”
And at that point, things seemed to change.
I have to admit that most of the time if I’m reading Scripture on a bad day, I’m a stubborn duck. I’ll read it, and I know what the Truth says, but the thing that always runs through my head is, “Yeah, that’s good, but no, I don’t wanna.”
I’m sure that’s the Depression speaking, but today, I didn’t feel like that. I felt strong. I felt powerful. For the first time in awhile, I finally opened up my heart enough to let God in. (Not that He can’t get in on His own, but… You know.)
Sometimes I forget that He cares. Like, genuinely cares.
You know how you have those friends that’ll tell you that you look good in everything that you put on even if you know it looks like absolute trash on you? Or the friends who will let you go on through the day with pepper stuck on your tooth? Or the ones who will tell you they’ll pray for you, even if you know they’ll forget later?
That is honestly how I feel about God sometimes. Of course, I think God is wonderful, but in my mind, sometimes I think of Him as the “flatter to make you feel good” friend. I mean, how many times, when you’re in a bad mood, do people just say “Oh, don’t worry. Jesus loves you!”?
Like, c’mon… Girl, I know. But no, stop. These are real life issues.
But then I remember… He freakin’ sent His Son to die on the cross for us and our sins and wrongdoings. I mean, that’s a long way to go just to flatter us to make us feel better. It means He truly cares for us. Like, truly, truly cares for us.
The times I’ve cried this week? He’s laid there with me each time. When I had to tell off my team this week? He held my hand through my anger and discomfort. When I felt like a nuisance to everybody around me? He held my hair back as I figuratively vomitted in personal disgust.
He’s graceful enough to just be here to comfort us, but He’s also not afraid to be real with us.
He’s like my Mom. My best friend who isn’t afraid to tell me off and tell me when things are going wrong, but when she compliments me, when she tells me she’s proud of me, when she answers my phone calls while I’m on a different continent late at night to listen to my cries, frustrations, and nonsense, I know she truly loves me. This is how God loves me.
So though I’m still struggling with all of the above right now, it’s so good to remember His warm embrace and His grace that He has when we are way too stubborn to care.
Thx God ❤