Sometimes it’s really hard to move. Not in the physical sense (though it’s a side effect), but to be active emotionally and mentally. A lot of times, it comes from fear.
Fear and guilt tend to run my life quite a bit. It tells me that I’m not enough, that I’m the most annoying person alive, that people will no longer like me or care for me if I’m a certain way.
I’m afraid of a lot of things, but mostly, most sincerely, I am afraid of being so completely unraveled and people not finding what they want there.
So sometimes I feel like it’s easier not to interact with people. If I don’t interact with people, I won’t disappoint them. If I don’t interact with people, then maybe they won’t expect things out of me. If I don’t interact with people, then maybe they won’t get tired of me.
It’s a cycle I’ve gotten used to for the past decade of my life.
But this is a rubbish way to live.
From a few blogs ago, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been trying to become more vulnerable with my thoughts and more open with my feelings. I’ve started to share about what my good and bad days look like. I’ve started to share how I view the person that I want to fight for the Kingdom of God together with for the rest of my life. I’ve started to share about my struggle to fight what is social norm and what I feel like God is calling me to do. I’ve given my heart to more people than I ever have in my life, in hopes of them standing next to me when I victoriously beat my struggle against the enemy and fighting my fear that they will rip my heart apart the first chance they get.
I’ve been trying.
And this is a good thing, right?
Well lately, things have been different. And it’s actually scary to me. Things have been going so well, and it almost makes me uncomfortable. I’m the happiest I can ever remember being in my life, and besides a random health issue or two, everything just feels perfect.
But as things are going in the right direction, I’ve found myself reverting to the opposite.
I’m afraid I’ll lose my newfound bravery. I’m afraid I’ll lose my happiness and just all of these feelings I feel right now. I’m afraid somebody is just going to rip all of this from me. And it doesn’t just scare me, but it absolutely terrifies me.
It is currently easier for me to feel a genuine smile and to be *there* for people more nowadays, but I’ve realised that because I’m so afraid that this goodness will leave or that somebody could take it from me, I’ve started to guard my heart and my brain more. I’ve stopped opening up about my feelings and trust those near me. These are my feelings and my heart, and I’ve worked so hard to finally get here. Why should I let it go so quickly?
But it’s nights like this, where I realise that God is so much bigger than that. Why am I trying to hold Him back by my own insecurities?
On New Year’s Eve, I got a tattoo that I’ve been wanting for years on my right arm that I’ve been hesitating, because it hasn’t felt genuine. I hadn’t actually accepted that “God is greater than the highs and lows” in my life, so how could I ink something on myself that would be on my skin for the rest of my life if I didn’t truly believe it?
But my God, my friends, time has passed, and I’ve realised it is so true. Our God is more important than the feelings that we feel and truer than the thoughts that we think. Our God is more victorious than the depression and the anxiety that cripples my entire body and it’s organs and more wiser than what society can ever imagine.
If things are going well right now, I should let them happen. I shouldn’t doubt God and His want for pure joy in my life. I shouldn’t guard the happiness in fear of the possibility that someday it’ll leave. The thing is if my God has been there for me when the worst things in my life has happened and has been there for me when the best things in my life has happened, there’s no telling that He won’t be there with me for the rest of my life when everything else that can be worse or better can, and will most likely, happen.
I know that this has just been a 2AM rambling of how I need to trust in God more and less on my own understanding of how my body and brain works (hey, we’ve done assemblies on this this week), but I want to thank you all for sticking by me, even when I push you out, let you in, and anything in between.
Friends, our God is greater than our highs and our lows, and He will remain that way for the rest of our lives. Feel blessed in knowing that!
I love and miss you all (this includes the ones that are near and dear or far and abroad for me). You guys are legends.