*Disclaimer: This post is not to glorify anxiety, depression, or any other mental diseases.
*The featured image is taken from Katie Crawford’s “My Anxious Heart” portfolio and is quite a heartbreaking, yet beautiful thing to view.
Anxiety (and other mental illnesses) suck. And for as long as I’ve known, this is something that I’ve always struggled with, and it’s not something that I see going away anytime soon.
My anxiety pushes me to repeat conversations to an unhealthy amount that further makes me break it down to wonder the genuine intention behind it. My anxiety pushes me to cower alone in bed underneath my sheets in the dark, while I think about the fun everybody else must be having without me because I’m not there. My anxiety pushes me to tear myself down to the point where I feel fragile, shattered, and damaged, because that is how I feel everybody views me also.
Sometimes, my anxiety pushes me to go to a state where it’s hard to breathe, I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop crying, I can’t speak, I feel like throwing up, and I feel like everything is either moving too quickly or not quickly enough, and I’m not just alone, but I’m lonely and disconnected, and I know this is the worst run-on sentence ever but this is my mindset during these attacks, and please just let me remind you again, anxiety sucks.
But this isn’t the point of this blog post.
The point of this blog is to explain that sometimes there is an upside to this anxiety.
And the upside is that even though yes, my anxiety pushes all of the negative things and more on me, it pushes me closer to God.
Sometimes it takes awhile and I go through all of the other stops in the cycle first, but when I get to the phase where I absolutely remember I need to praise God, that’s when I remember that my anxiety has pushed me there.
I have to admit–
When things are going well, I forget to pray. I forget that God has all of the glory in my life. I forget that He’s created every single piece of me and that He’s created me to be a lover, a warrior, and a princess.
It’s when things are questionable and scary and ridiculous that I remember that He is there for me always. That I am forever in His heart. And that He’s sent me on a ridiculous mission to show people the same love that He’s shown me. Even, and especially, when I don’t want to.
Cause when I feel like I’m falling apart, His voice is the thing that holds me together. And I can never ask for any better reassurance than that.
So thank you to my anxiety for letting me reach low enough lows that cause me to aim for the highest of the highs.
My anxiety pushes me to Him.